Ground Control to Major Tom!

The most frustrating thing about anxiety, apart from a continual sense of impending doom, is the feeling of being disconnected from everything. You feel like you're on a space walk. You look at things that you want to have a connection with such as your home, town, and neighborhood, and all you get is this sense of "It all could be gone tomorrow, so don't get too attached to it."

A wise sage told me, "Don't love stuff that can't love you back."

Scripture essentially tells us the same thing. " Don't love the things of this world", and " Do not store up wealth where moth and rust can destroy it". I get all that. I have a basic loathing of stuff.

(Not true. I love guitars. I'm a hack player, but I love the ability to express myself through music.)

I hate clutter. I hate miscellaneous piles. That junk drawer everyone has ( I have it too) drives me crazy. My form of cleaning is just throwing stuff away. I particularly can't stand the toys from Happy Meals. They seem to grow and multiply like tribbles (old Star Trek ref). I chuck them without discrimination.

But I regress. . . .

I live in this tension of being a parent who wants to create security and predictability for my children, even though I know, or at least feel, likes it's an illusion.

I'm 40. I just moved three states away after having lived in Chicago for 18 years, took a beating in the housing market, moved to a new town, and started a new job. While the new town, home, and job are great, its all different. This has produced some anxiety.

I used to wake up and wonder, "God, why would you allow me to experience so much anxiety and allow me to feel so weak?" Then I faced reality, and recognized the facts of my life for the past 12 months. Actually the past 4 years have been cooky.

While they're not horrific, they are anxiety producing. Moving alone is the 2nd most stressful event in a person's life, next to loosing a spouse. Working in an environment that was under constant change and churn produced emotional instability. Loosing a lot of money in a market that seemed destined only to increase pulled a rug out from under many of us.

When God wanted to get people's attention, what did he do? He moved them, from a land that is not their own. He moved me. He's got my attention.

The disconnect is not so bad now. I can look at things and enjoy them for what they are and are not. I can drive down the streets of my town and be thankful for where God has placed me.

What has been the gift of the anxiety and feeling disconnected? The desperate need to be connected to God and people. I don't think I have have ever been more aware of my need for God's presence in my life, and been so aware of other people's need to feel connected. Good thing I'm the Director of Adult Connections. The guy in charge of it at a church is in desperate need of it himself.

Anxiety produced a feeling of disconnection, but what it has shown me is that my trust and security were in connections that couldn't produce security and predictability. Only God can do that. I trusted in a system that was faulty. I stored up treasure in things that proved rusty.

Do you think God had this all planned out? Do you think He is even shocked by what I am typing right now? Nope. I might be, and it freaks me out from time to time, but I am able to rest in the fact that God has this worked out. As long as I am tethered to the ship (God), I'm in good shape.

Lessons From A Smashed Thumb

1. Don't get your thumb between a rock and pick axe.

2. If it bleeds out the end of the nail, that's a good thing because you won't have to get it drilled to relieve pressure. (Trust me, this is going somewhere)

3. Pain has a way of recalibrating your mind in a way that nothing else can.

4. There is very little you can do to make the pain go away.

5. Pain goes away over time, but the throbbing may stick around a while.

6. Your nail is going to look gross for quite a while.

7. You will probably loose the nail.

8. You get a new nail. Not the same one, or better one, but a new one.

A couple of weeks ago I got my thumb between a rock and pick axe trying to pull a rock out of a stone wall. The rock came loose along with the pick axe, sliding over the top of the rock and my thumb as I pulled on the rock with the other hand. (Sorry, no diagrams) My thumbnail remains the wonderful color seen above. It no longer hurts, but it looks gross,and I can begin to feel it loosen from the nail bed.

The moment I did it, it hurt like crazy and began to bleed out the end. A friend, a professional carpenter, said " Good thing its bleeding or'd we have to drill it." Upon which I promptly laid on the kitchen floor and felt queasy. Ice made it feel a bit better, but for the most part it just hurt and there was little I could do about it.

In the same moment I got it. I really got it. Cutting. I understood why some people, predominately women, cut themselves. It releases pain in a controlled manner and takes your mind off emotional pain that seems out of control. I totally forgot about my anxiety. The haunting of possible worst case scenarios disappeared in a flash because I had a more immediate issue, real pain. Black, red,and purple pain.

The blessing was that it bled immediately. I didn't have to go through more pain to relieve pressure. Life is not always that immediate, and we seldom look at current pain as a blessing to relieve future pain.

After the initial pain left, it began to throb like crazy. It wasn't as painful, but it was still hard to ignore. My entire being was consumed with one small area of my body. Again, lesson learned. A part that seemed to be less honorable suddenly became the focus of the entire physical plant.

The nail to this day looks gross. Sometimes the pain we endure leaves a mark that remains, even scars. Ever wonder why Jesus came back scared? Proof of healing. We try to hide scars as much as possible. Why? OK, so they're not lovely, but they are proof of healing. Proof of wounds that have been healed. I understand people may want to forget the trauma that caused them in the first place, but scars serve a purpose. They can help us avoid future mistakes, or remind us of how God healed a wound.

The nail is surely coming off. I can see it separating from the nail bed. Something that I took for granted and caused so much pain in a split moment will be lost. Loss is an inevitable part of life. We loose things all the time. Some by our own doing. Sometimes they're just taken away. Whether you're prepared for it or not, the loss typically feels sudden.

I am getting a new nail. It's not better than the old one, or improved, just new. Often people believe or say, " Oh, it's OK, God will give you something better, something better than you ever expected." They read the end of Job wrong. Job didn't receive all his stuff back, he received new stuff. His children weren't restored, he had new kids. He had abundance, and that is good stuff, but abundance doesn't necessarily heal the pain of loss. Job probably still grieved the loss of his former children. God could have restored all his old stuff back, but he didn't. He gave him new things. New things are just that. They're new, but that doesn't mean they're better.

In the weeks to come, the old nail will fall off and a new nail will take its place. I will soon forget about the old nail and move on with my life.

My prayer is that I recognize the lessons of my smashed thumb in other people's lives. There appears to be alot of smashed thumbs out there.

I pray that I can learn to just sit with people in the pain, and encourage them to seek the Lord, giving thanks in all things. I'm still learning to do this myself.

Desert Expedition

The past 4 years, and especially the past one have been among the most difficult in my life. There have been joys as well, but for the most part my wife and I have just wondered out loud. " What is this all about Lord?" Working for a church, coupled with personal and family issues which never cease can bring a person to their knees, both in prayer and in desperation, and often in reverse order. While I am pretty good about avoiding self created drama (Pretty good, although I have finely tuned the art of denial), there is still the drama you are handed by simply being alive,and guaranteed if you follow Jesus.

I have often said that pastors are either playing the role of Moses, or Joshua. You can either help people get to the promised land, or you get to help them cross into it. The problem is, you never quite know which one it is until you are on the edge of it. The sure thing is, you will probably get to play both. Most often we get to play Moses, and I'm cool with that because I get to help prepare people move closer to God's purposes and promises. Just one thing, it involves being in the desert for quite a long time, learning lessons that you didn't think you needed to learn.

I have two friends who told me "George, you are in a desert. Not a literal desert, but a spiritual and emotional desert. The Lord has lead you to this desert. He will send angels to minister to you in the desert, but you can not wrestle your way out of it. Your job is to learn to be faithful in a new way while it lasts. There is nothing you can "do" to get out of it. No sacrifice you can offer that will be pleasing enough because the reality is you're just bargaining, and when has that ever worked with God?" Uggghhhh. I don't care for deserts.

I've been in one, literally, in Egypt, and I couldn't stand the heat. Deserts are dry places where very little lives. That which does live there stays hidden and out of sight because the sun exposes every thing's weaknesses. I dislike deserts.

This desert is totally exposing all my weaknesses. My desire for control. My desire to be liked. My desire to be complimented. My fear of rejection. My fear of being exposed as a fake. My fear of having done something wrong in the past that will affect my family. My fear of not making it through another day. My fear of not being good enough. My initial prayers and cries have been " Lord, just show me what I need to know. Show me what I'm looking for."

One of those same friends told me, " George, there are those of us who think God expects less from us than He does, and then there are those who think God expects more from us than He does. I think you think God expects a lot more out of you than He really does." Bingo, Bulls eye, we have a winner! I want to be God's go-to man. I want to believe the faith rises and falls on me. I want to be the one who carries the ball of Christianity across the finish line. I often have to stop myself and ask, " George, why are you trying to do what only God can do? Do you think He can handle it?" Yes. . . and no.

Side bar: I have the gift of being able to think through every possible scenario. I also have the curse of being able to think through every possible scenario. One produces measured results, the other produces . . . . paranoia.

Some of it is well intentioned. I want to show people Christ in a way that is authentic and not plastic. I want to show a Christianity that works. . . in all situations. I want personal holiness that brings God glory, and shows people Christ and not me.

Then there is the not so well intended reasons.

I want to get it done because no one else is doing it right. I want people to recognize me and point to me and say " We can always count on him."(Can you see the cape flowing in the breeze as I plant the Christian flag on the sunlit mountain side?) I love being that guy. I have been that guy several times in my life. It has huge payoffs. The problem is, it's not sustainable. The image and the reality are not the same, but for a moment.

Deserts are lonely places. You can be completely surrounded by family and friends, but if they are not experiencing the same issues, you are alone. Except for God.

Since entering my desert, God has not abandoned me. I can honestly say I have never felt as if God abandoned me. I can say I have questioned God, but I have never felt as if God was saying "Good luck with all that." Whether on top of a parking garage, in a green meadow, or while on a run God has always meat me. And those angels, he has sent a few. They have come in the form of my children, my wife, close friends, and new friends.

The pillar of cloud is now resting over Beaver, PA. For a season it was over Evanston. In either place, God has been telling me " Remain faithful. obey. Handle accurately the word of truth. Keep focused. Love me,and those whom I put in your path. In this you will find rest." Between the lines He's telling me " Don't waste time trying to find a silver bullet. Don't waste your energy trying to wrestle me. Don't try to present me with sweet smelling sacrifices. Keep your eyes and head moving forward."

Is there a promised land? Yes. But it too has its issues. In either case, desert or not, what I think God is trying to teach me and lead me into is rest. The kind of rest that looks like Jesus in the boat, asleep during the storm; trusting the Father in all things. The danger, the temptation, is to rest in things that are tangible like money, a new home, a job, or escaping into things that are emotional junk food like food itself, pornography, online relationship, you name it. It's perfectly natural for us to seek after rest and security. The question is, where and in what do we seek it?

I am learning what it means to rest in God in all things, giving thanks for today, and not placing expectations on tomorrow. Its completely counter intuitive to our culture of day-timers, forecasts, and predictions. It took Israel 40 years to learn to rest in God, day after day after day after day. It took an entire generation to learn rest (trust). I'm getting frustrated after a couple months.

In all of this, the desert is, dare I say, a gift. The desert allows us to experience God in the same way Moses, Jesus, and Paul did. It allows us, if we are willing, to trust in God alone for our provisions. No one wants a desert. No one asks for God to lead them into the desert, and yet there are a lot of desert experiences in scripture. I guess I'm in good company. I'm not alone. It appears deserts are necessary.

What is the purpose of deserts? Preparation. For what? Other deserts. If we learn to live faithfully in the current one, we are better prepared to live in the next. If we try to skip the present desert, we are guaranteed to face another one and experience the same trials. God is a God of second chances. That includes deserts. Ever wondered what Jesus meant by the abundant life promised to us? I think he meant fullness, but most like to translate that into wealth. I think Christ meant that if we follow his voice, we will experience a fullness of life, beyond our expectations. I have not meat people who have experienced that fullness who have also not experienced deserts. Could fullness include suffering? I think so.

I am slowly. . very slowly learning not to fear the desert. What God is doing to me in the midst of it is pointing out my weaknesses, and his strengths. God is changing me from the inside out.